here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
