If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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