What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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