I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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