Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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