I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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