I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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