At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
