you told grandpa to call you daddy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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