Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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