I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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