I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
