I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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