Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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