i just sent this text using only my big toe
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
