So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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