I accidentally had phone sex last night
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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