So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
