and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
