i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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