I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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