We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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