I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
