So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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