you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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