The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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