I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
