and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
