apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
