"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
