my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
