I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
