Will you blow on my dice?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
