I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
