Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
