oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
