I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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