How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
