The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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