my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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