I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
