I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
