in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
