Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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