I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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