Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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