the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
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I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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