Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
