U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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