they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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