Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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