Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
