she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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