If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
