Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
