If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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