Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
