You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
