You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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