My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
